unlovable.

It's easy to give into the waves

to let the sadness swallow me 

whole.

While it whispers

while it gurgles

that I am unloveable.

And the ocean is hungry for my tears

it's waiting for my downfall

to catch me in its hollow bed

to kill me with a salty kiss,

to remind me I am unlovable.

And the earth is no better,

with her merciless ground and sky

pushed between

lips that never love;

a marriage between dirt and hurt,

between the darkness and the dawn,

for my dreams and waking life

tell me

I am unlovable. 

As a child I used to crush dolls together

and wonder

why they never kissed,

why they never wrapped arms around waists,

why their faces stayed the same

as though

they despised each other,

like the secret to love

was secret hatred,

and the secret was I was unlovable.

A puzzle I could never crack,

a code I could never piece together

was how you loved me

why you loved me

when you loved me,

but I remember where you loved me.

Cause it sunk into my skin

every touch

every firework

every ember

and it burned but the burn was the fire I wanted.

and I had no reason to feel unlovable.

But the earth, the sky, the sea, and the dolls

were all just smoke

and signals

from the ashes in my belly. 

I put them out

I stamp them out

I cry them out

I scream them out.

Let tragedy draw me back to the arms of love.

My jaw my unhinge but truth

but truth

has no allegiance and on the shoulders I will stand,

and my knees may be covered in dirt

and my heart may be dipped in hurt

but home is where the peace is

and peace is worth fighting for.

Back to the arms

back to the heart

back to the start

in silence

in darkness

in ashes

in brokenness

I am lovable.

I 

am

lovable.